As my mom lay in her bed, eyes red and expression tired, I asked her if anything would make her feel better. She asked me to tell her a bed time story. Until tonight, my dad was the official story teller of the family – and he was damn good at it too. In that moment I would have done anything to take her pain away, but the thought of filling my father’s shoes gave me a tinge of anxiety. I was filled with images of how it was going to be so strange not having him around the house…But my mind kept drifting back to the only story I felt the need to tell; The one where I describe my experience as a Walk In and contemplate my place in my family.
After doing some recent digging, I found out that I almost died at the age of 2 or 3. I was extremely sick with a very high fever that caused me to have a seizure. I was rushed to the ER, and my brother told the paramedics that he wanted to give his life in exchange for them saving me. Not long after this event, there would be a day I remember as my 1st…I remember being in my room as a kid, if I had to guess I was at the age of 3 or 4. I knew exactly where I was, but it was my 1st time being there. One of the only memories I have before this is one of falling off a changing table as a baby, not being hurt, but oddly recalling it from the view of an observer, rather than it happening to me.
Here I was in the same room, looking at my crazy mismatched 80s clothes and wild curly hair, telling myself to play it cool. I knew I was supposed to go back into the living room and continue watching cartoons with my brother as if nothing had happened. But SOMETHING had happened. The only thing I knew for sure was that I had never been there before; this was my 1st time in this body. Is it possible that I exchanged places with a soul too traumatized to go on? Could it have been that these events were contracted before any of us incarnated on this Earth? This is the only scenario that attempts to explain the weird experiences I had up to the age of 10.
As I went into the living room and sat down as if nothing had happened, I remember hoping no one in my family would sense something was different. I was now more aware than ever – of my surroundings, and of the fact that I did not fit in. I would go on to have strange experiences over the following 6 years or so that I would chalk up to being a weird kid with a huge imagination. Or I would let adults and media explain it away for me. I have had ringing in my ears for as long as I can remember. Nothing painful, but it always gave me a feeling deep inside that someone was sending out these signals, or causing the ringing to occur. I often got the feeling that we as humans were being observed and communicated with. For a while I had a thing about mirrors, because they reminded me of a 2 way mirror, and I always had the feeling that something like a group of scientists was watching on the other side.
I was the child who never fit in. Having a family system that was hard to relate to made me even more of an outsider. I chose quiet contemplation over taking on the energy of those around me. I never realized how much energy affected me as a child because I was caught up in a normalcy of anger, judgement and isolation. Soon it was too late and I developed personality traits that were not in alignment with how I felt in side, many of them as a system of self defense. I was angry, judgmental, and way too cool for almost anyone my age. I became the person who made sure everyone knew I didn’t care about them before they could ever hurt me 1st (or again).
I remember feeling lonely deep inside on so many occasions. I wish I had realized earlier that there was nothing wrong with me. If I didn’t have a lot of personal connections, it was because my energy was on a completely different frequency than anyone else. When I started breaking down these barriers and re-connecting with myself about 11 years ago, I started to see where I had gone wrong on so many levels. In reconnecting with myself and positive, healing energy, I have found the real me deep down inside. I look back at my life and realize I have always carried a frequency and inner knowing that is often unheard of. In the past I was absorbing the energies around me and allowing them to change my vibration.
In shifting my focus to maintaining my own high frequency that is unaffected by outside sources, I have started to find meaning in the events of my childhood. I heard a crazy theory from Damien Wynne about Walk-In souls here to change the frequency of the Earth. The more I contemplated this radical possibility, I could no longer block out my early childhood memories of coming into my body years after birth. I participated in his Walk-Ins webinar series where the focus was on calling back our soul fragments and fully embodying our human self, which in turn would activate spiritual abilities that we are disconnected from. In doing so I saw significant changes and can say it was one of the most effective things I have done to reconnect with my higher self.
Fast forward to this night in 2021, where my father passed away. His family inherits many health problems, and he succumb to these issues. 10 years before this night, I had a dream that he would pass away in about 10 years time. I had no idea what would happen, but the dream involved my husband and me consoling my mom after his death. Within days I begged dad with tears streaming down my face to please change his ways and live for as long as he could to see his grandchildren. He told me if he lived the way he wanted to, then I should not be upset if he dies because of it. Although I never stopped worrying about him or wishing he would change, I started preparing myself mentally for the possibilities while still praying I was wrong.
What I was not prepared for, was my father making everything right with me the last time I would speak to him. He attempted to make a lot of changes for the better just months before becoming ill, but these were too late. His heart had changed but his body was too run down. From his hospital bed he took responsibility for every choice that got him where he was, and made many things right with me. He literally cleared all of the karma between us. He was upset at himself, and very scared – a side I had never once seen of his. I encouraged him as much as possible, thanking him for taking responsibility, assuring him my mom was taken care of, and promising him he would not be going through his recovery alone. He looked at me, tears in his eyes, and smiled with a little chuckle before saying, “How are you my daughter? Where did you even come from? I am proud and lucky that you turned out the way you did.”
It was in this moment that I wished I could tell him what I’d been feeling on a soul level recently – that I’m a walk in soul, here to help humanity. I used to look at my fucked up, dysfunctional family tree and think I was put here to save them. How could I not have been? These people can barely make it through day to day. But something crucial I learned from Damien Wynne is that Walk Ins are NOT here to fix our family systems, we are merely meant to learn from them and grow through the struggles. He goes on to say that any of our spiritual gifts will likely not work on our families AT ALL, so many of us fall victim to depression among many things, thinking we are wrong about what we feel in our souls. This can also create fragmented souls. Damien’s work is focused on fully embodying your human self so that you can re-connect to your spiritual abilities, including intuition and healing.
My intuition skyrocketed after calling back my soul fragments and fully embodying myself. Although I understand I cannot fix my family, I do believe I have karma with some of them. My father and I both carried generational trauma in our legs, as did many in our family before us. From an energetic standpoint, we all need massive Root Chakra healing. My father was a diabetic who had to make the decision to have his leg amputated. The day he made this decision would be the last day I spoke to him while he was conscious. He could have resisted and fought the inevitable, but he realized that doing so would only hurt him and his family. He chose to do what was best for his health and for my mom in so many ways. Although my dad was so scared, he bravely made the choice….and to me this is so symbolic of him saying our family trauma ends with him. I thought I was the system buster, but it was him all along. My dad is an absolute bad ass who selflessly sacrificed himself for the well being of our family.
For the past 3 years, my dad would see 222 regularly. 222 means that it’s never too late to change. Even if it’s at the last minute, it’s still beautiful and can be so profound. After dad’s surgery he had organ failure and was sedated. It’s my belief that he left his body immediately and started making his presence known. I was able to connect with him through meditation just briefly, and he said he was not sure if he was coming back to us because he felt so good on the other side, free from the pain of his body. While helping my mom organize some boxes, I found an old driver’s license of his. My birthday is in his number, as well as 33, when my name literally translates to “three”. After purchasing Philosophy books for my own interest, I found one that he had been reading.
The more that things are being revealed, I see my connection to him was not just one of karma and pain, but one of deep understanding on a soul level. I know I was meant to learn from him, but I can’t help wondering if this was the plan the entire time. I never imagined we would heal together in this lifetime. I certainly didn’t think my dad would be out of his physical body doing things like turning on radios, sending butterflies and birds, making noises in the house, or guiding us through angel numbers. Since the creation of this blog I have seen 411 many times, but since dad passed I have been seeing 4111 every day. There have been too many synchronicities to list, however my intuition is telling me that my dad wants me to write. This was confirmed when I was texting some friends and said “I’m going to keep writing” at the exact moment he left this Earth. For whatever reason this is the blog dad wants me to write. It’s probably going to be the same blog that makes my family say “WTF?”, haha, but I can’t deny my intuition any longer. The ones who are meant to walk this path with me will no matter what I express here.
(interesting enough, Part 2 of this series was filmed on dad's birthday!)
Until next time...I'll meet you there